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Welcome to 2022! For everyone who hopes it’s going to be better than the last two years of pandemic isolation and fear-living, I’m here to crush your dreams with my “Reckless, bold and pessimistic predictions for 2022”!

First prediction: Covid-19 isn’t done with us.

There’s been lots of talk of the Omicron variant being the end. It has an increased transmission rate but a lack of severity. Just like the original deadly strain of influenza in the 1918 pandemic mutated into the relatively mild flu we know now, many are saying the Omicron variant is Covid-19’s milder version that will become the predominant version of the virus, and if that happens the pandemic, as we know it, should be over.

But I’m here to say thee, nay

Out-of-this-world predictions for 2022 | The Star

Welcome to 2022! For everyone who hopes it’s going to be better than the last two years of pandemic isolation and fear-living, I’m here to crush your dreams with my “Reckless, bold and pessimistic predictions for 2022”!

First prediction: Covid-19 isn’t done with us.

There’s been lots of talk of the Omicron variant being the end. It has an increased transmission rate but a lack of severity. Just like the original deadly strain of influenza in the 1918 pandemic mutated into the relatively mild flu we know now, many are saying the Omicron variant is Covid-19’s milder version that will become the predominant version of the virus, and if that happens the pandemic, as we know it, should be over.

But I’m here to say thee, nay! The Omicron variant will not be the last Covid-19 variant of concern. There will be yet another strain, and it will suck just as much as you think. Fun.

Second prediction: The US stock market will crash.

Yes, it’s been an unprecedented bull market run for the influential US stock market but in the spring of 2022, the market will crash. The crash will be caused by a combination of rising inflation, the US Federal Reserve response, and some other geopolitical incident or black swan event. Together, these three things will send US stocks into a bear market, and it will suck as much as you think. Fun.

Speaking of black swan events, that leads me to the….

Third prediction: Aliens will make themselves known to us.

Yes, that’s right, I’m calling it! The year 2022 is the year we confirm alien life exists – but more than that, aliens will make themselves known to us. Back in 2021 a former Israeli space security chief came out stating that aliens exist and the US government has been talking to them.

The idea sounds loony at first, but when you think about it, it makes a lot of sense why former US President Donald Trump prioritised creating his Space Force. Trump isn’t a guy with big creative ideas. Everything he does is reactive, and I theorise that Space Force was Trump’s idiotic response to the existential angst caused by finding out aliens do, in fact, exist.

Watch for them to reach out and say hello in 2022. And if they don’t, then think about my….

Fourth prediction: Our universe will be confirmed to be a simulation.

Fresh on the heels of the unsolicited Matrix movie sequel late in 2021, we’ll find out it’s not just Neo and Trinity who are living in a simulation. This will be the year we all find out that our entire universe is a simulation.

The proof is simplistic: If we accept that computer simulations of worlds exist, for academic or recreational reasons, and that these simulations are so lifelike they are indistinguishable from the real world, then we have to accept that we are living in a simulation. Why? Simple maths. If the majority of universes are simulated, and there are infinite numbers of simulations, what are the chances we are living in the original real universe? One out of infinity is pretty low.

But forget these probabilities, in 2022 scientists, Elon Musk, or maybe crypto (’cause crypto solves everything, apparently) will prove that our universe is indeed a simulation and that’s why we haven’t run into any alien life yet, because the simulation of our world doesn’t need to simulate outside worlds (this also saves on processing power).

Oh, and the best part of finding out we live in a simulation is we realise none of us is the player, crushing narcissists universally. So I suppose it’s not all bad.

There you have it. My “Recklessly bold and pessimistic predictions for 2022”©. Covid-19 continues, stock market crashes, aliens reveal themselves, and/or we find out we’re all living in a giant simulation. Why would I make such awful predictions at the start of the year when everyone is hoping for a better time ahead? Because my predictions never come true. Therefore, by predicting all these horrible things, I’m actually making sure they won’t happen. Now that I’ve predicted these things, there is virtually no chance any of them will happen. So buckle up and prepare for 2022, a year where things might get worse, but hopefully will be better, and that will definitely not include any of the things I’ve predicted.

Of course, if these things do come true, then as we’re being ravaged by Covid-19, after the markets have crashed, and the dual reveal of aliens and the universe being a simulation is causing a global existential crisis, I’ll be able to look back, shrug and say, well, guess I got that right.


Big Smile, No Teeth columnist Jason Godfrey – who once was told to give the camera a ‘big smile, no teeth’ – has worked internationally for two decades in fashion and continues to work in dramas, documentaries, and lifestyle programming. Write to him at [email protected] and check out his stuff at jasongodfrey.co. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.



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